A Letter To My Second Baby

You’ve been in there a few months now, and I’m happy about it. The other day I forgot you were in there and very briefly hatched a plan in my mind that may have involved me getting moderately drunk, before remembering I was pregnant and I couldn’t do that. Whoops.

I don’t have a baby book for you yet like I did with your sister. I keep meaning to get one but I haven’t got around to it yet. I haven’t actually bought anything for you come to think of it.

I’m so busy now looking after the previous womb tenant that I just don’t have the time I had in my first pregnancy. All that time  I previously spent singing to the bump, and filling out baby books is spent caring for a toddler now. Time and extra money lying around to buy cool baby stuff and cute outfits has already been spent on your sister’s wardrobe which you will inherit. Energy to read the latest chapter of the baby book to figure out what particular bodily organs and systems you developed this week, was expended reading the bedtime story.

This doesn’t really suck for you, cause you’ve just been grooving away on autopilot in there oblivious to any of this. I feel pretty guilty though. I often think to myself that it’s a little sad that you won’t know our full attention 100% like your sister has up until now. It helps me sometimes to think about the additional awesome things you will have when you get here that our first didn’t have. Including, but not limited to the following:

Parents Who Know What They’re Doing Approximately 75% Of The Time

Seriously kid, this one is a massive game changer. When your sister arrived we knew the basics. We had the theory part of it mostly down, but little to no experience actually parenting a child. The night before she was born I had to Youtube how to hold a baby because your other mother freaked the hell out on me. I kept saying ‘you just support the neck and don’t drop it, that’s all’ but that wasn’t enough for her. She felt so much better after we watched a Youtube video which in a nutshell told you to support the neck and not drop the baby (just like I said). We can juggle babies in our sleep now, that’s how experienced we are.

Also, we’ve got the premium apps for you kid. Apps purchased in the hospital and the first few months of your sister’s life by clueless, desperate, sleep deprived parents who did not know how the fuck to get their refluxy child to let them put her down/sleep somewhere that wasn’t on us. Apps we so willing agreed to pay for, driven by a primal need to sleep and retain our sanity. You want white noise? I got 63 different sounds to choose from. You want a week by week guide on when to expect super diva baby behaviour? An app so we can figure out what your cries mean even though the five different cries it lists mostly sound the same? One with a nightlight function and a giraffe that sings 29 lullabys in languages including but not limited to English, French and Japanese? Kid, we so got you covered.

You thought I made that last one up didn’t you.

Also, on that note, we know what reflux is now. You won’t be subjected to frantic parents giving you Infant’s Friend all the time hoping that it will make you stop screaming (because cutting the labels off every single item of clothing in case they were bothering you didn’t work like Google said it would). The makers know parents are a pretty clueless and exhausted species. It makes sure to market itself to the entire parenting community by promising to cure one of the 57 possible ailments that could be making your baby into a screaming, angry, pukey, red faced miniature demon.

We’ve even got your currently fetal self a referral to a pediatrician six months before you’re due. Last time when trying to get treatment we were told wait lists were 6 months long. This time when they turn around and try and pull that I will be like ‘bam, we served that waiting period while I was gestating, so give our kid the magic drug that make it stop puking and wasting away to nothing and also let it sleep.’

This is what having parents who sort of know what they’re doing is like. It’s awesome. You’re welcome.

A Mother Who Doesn’t Accidentally Starve You/Cry Every Time She Feeds You

So I kind of accidentally starved your sister for the first three days of her life. As first time parents our knowledge of how to care for a baby basically looked like this:

  • Feed it
  • Change its nappy
  • Keep it warm and safe
  • Love it so it doesn’t turn into a psychopath

Given it was such a small to-do list (ha! Well on paper at least) I am ashamed to say that I kind of stuffed up a pretty fundamental part of Babycare 101. Thankfully we were still in the hospital at the time, who alerted me to the fact that you were starving. If it was left up to me I probably would have tried to solve it with an app. Who knew that boobs could be so malicious that they’d try to kill this perfect little creature you spent 9 months cooking and risked your life to bring into the world. Not me! Fool me once boobies shame on you. I will not be fooled twice.

I can’t promise you a complete lack of crying when you’re here, because hormones and motherhood are tearful things. What I can try and promise you is less boob related crying. Like not 6-8 times a day for the first six months of your life. Not like a postnatal depression kind of amount of tears. Just like a more healthy amount of ‘I just had a baby and all of this is hard sometimes’ crying, OK?

The Coolest Big Sister You Could Ever Want

She’s cute, she’s smart, she eats things she shouldn’t- and she’s all yours!

Sure toddlers get a bit of a bad reputation sometimes. I have one, so it’s no mystery to me how this came to be. There is so much screaming that I am pretty sure I have permanent hearing damage. I am sick of stepping on cold squishy food that has been deliberately thrown on the floor (while looking me directly in the eye and smiling as I say no throwing). I upped our contents insurance so I have no excess on electronics that may or may not be thrown into the toilet bowl by a toddler in the future. In short, I am so in the thick of toddlerdom that The Wiggles ‘Hot Potato’ came on my stereo when I started my car this morning and I thought nothing of it.

There’s a reason that we keep this hearing damaging, food throwing, electronic destroying, Wiggles loving kid around. It’s because she is the kindest, sweetest, funniest most loving mini person we’ve ever met and she makes our lives brighter every day.

You have something she never got to have in the first two years of her life- the most awesome sibling. She already loves you and gives you kisses in my belly every day. She loves to read and sits on my lap and we choose books we think you’d like too. She is kind, and a good sharer, and invents the best games. She loves to share the flowers/leaves and suspicious looking cat whiskers she finds around the place with everyone. Note: please do not eat any detached cat whiskers she may bring you, on that note can someone please find the cat and check she’s OK?

The best part is this bundle of fun is yours to keep forever. Also, as far as you’re concerned she was the practice kid, so by the time we get to you hopefully most of the wrinkles will be ironed out.

So sorry if I’m lagging a bit behind with my pregnancy apps, and I sometimes forget you’re in there. If you ever need my attention just kick me in the cervix and that is bound to do it. I promise I will give you a significantly bigger chunk of my attention when you get here. Until then enjoy your sister and your better informed second time parents not screwing it up so much.




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